“The most serious charge which can be brought against New England is not Puritanism but February.” -Joseph Wood Krutch

I would like to ban Februaries.

Let me explain: February pretty much just stinks, and I, for one, think we should just kind of stop doing it altogether. If all of us joined together and put our foot down and said “no more February!”, it would be better for everyone.

That wasn’t enough explanation? Okay, how about this: For pretty much my entire life, February has been the most depressing, slow-moving, desperately soul-crushing month of every year. I don’t know about you, but by February 5, I am pretty much ready for March. By February 14th, also known as St. Valentine’s Day*, I just want February to be over, and I don’t care if anything actually comes after. By the 20th we could do January again, just please god can we be done with this February thing. And so it is my feeling that February should be banned.

I understand, of course, that February is part of our calendar system, and that we can’t just ban a month because otherwise we have a rather significant gap of time that we have no name for, which we can’t do because it would be rather embarrassing and the other calendar systems might laugh. Kind of like the time you** had a mustard stain on a shirt, which you know everyone noticed.

So if we can’t actually ban February, we should at least stop pretending it’s a normal thing like every other time of the year. It’s not. February is long and cold, and just quite sad really. And there’s a really good reason for these feelings. Let me explain:

When the cold weather hits, everyone is excited to bring out their heavy coats and scarves and gloves***, and to watch the leaves die such horrible deaths that their corpses experience discoloration. After this comes snow, which is like wedding cake: pretty the first day and then afterwards just kind of nostalgic.

The weather we cannot control, but what we do wrong at this point is smash all of our holidays into November and December. After all the happiness and comfort we are faced with at least two more months of winter. In January we try half-heartedly to change our lifestyles, but it’s pretty futile with the amount of time we end up spending indoors. By the time February arrives, we haven’t seen the sun in literally months.

I know we try to carry on and pretend like everything is okay, but really everyone is sad and tired and would just like to go back to bed. So I propose we do just that. If we can’t get rid of February, we should at least make it optional.
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*= Which part of the population spends celebrating romance, and the majority spends wanting to decapitate and/or set someone on fire, which is actually much more in line with the spirit of the holiday’s origin.

**= Still not you.

***= If you don’t understand this, don’t bother drawing attention to it. You live much closer to the equator and all the other readers hate you.

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