Dear judiciary of Round Rock, Texas:
First off I just want to say thank you and well done. Nineteen-year-olds making pot brownies and generally making stupid choices used to keep me up at night, but now that you’ve finally apprehended the menace named Jacob Lavoro, I can sleep easy.
I’ve heard some criticism about your 5-year-to-life ruling, but I wanted you to know you have my full support. Those naysayers are spouting silly technicalities like how there’s no precedent for the ruling, or that you weighed the baked goods as a whole in order to make a more severe ruling, but it’s all a load. Those idiots probably live in one of the 21 states (or Washington DC) which use marijawana for medicinal purposes. Two of them even use the demon-weed recreationally! Damned hippies.
No one else seems to understand that in Round Rock, a city with less than 100,000 people and with nearly 200 violent crimes and nearly 3,000 property crimes per year, you have to be hard on all transgressors. You can’t let your law enforcement and legislative powers get soft. Hell, you should probably just give all crimes the same sentence, ‘cause everything’s bigger in Texas. God bless America!
A true American and fan of your work.
P.S. I was disappointed to see what my favorite news station, Fox News, had to say about the Lavoro case. I thought they loved America as much as I do. I think they’re getting a little too liberal for me .