We interrupt your regularly scheduled “Things that are weird” programming to bring you the newest in College-oriented personality-substitute technology!
Is your personality flat, easy to overlook, or mind-numbingly dull? Do you lack the pizzazz that your friends and family so effortlessly exude? Do you want to stand out in a crowd, but not have to work too hard?
Introducing Dickendustries’™ 2015 line of College Uniform Personalities! Guaranteed to make-you at least 30% more interesting! These easy-to-acquire personalities will set you apart while simultaneously lumping you into a large group of people!
Stop wasting precious time skipping class just to find yourself! Use one of our patent-pending Uniform Personalities, and you can resume using that time from skipping classes to get drunk!
Returning for our fourth year running, the classic and classy, Hipster Guy Uniform (Summer Edition)!
Our “Hipster Guy” has become quite the standard for young men in college, and never fails to give off the “I pretend not to care though actually I really, really do, but that’s because I’m an artist and have intense feelings” vibe. Drives ’em wild every time!
How is this Summer Edition you ask? Well, we’ve made slight modifications to the well-known and well-loved 2014 model. Don’t worry though, you don’t have to roll up those sleeves or unbutton those collars!
Worried the summer heat will mess up your painstakingly tousled hair? Not anymore! The 2015 model comes with the sides of the head shaved, or even everything shaved but the top! Swap out your off-colored skinny pants for some off-colored shorts, and you’re golden. Also, Ray Ban thick-rimmed glasses can be replaced by Ray Ban thick-rimmed sunglasses, though both are still optional.
“But Dickendustries®!” You exclaim, “I just graduated this year, though I’m not moving away. Also the gallons of beer I drank have ruined my skinny-hipster-guy figure!”
Don’t you worry, citizen! Dickendustries© has a Post-Graduation Personality option that has you covered! Plus you get to keep on boozing with our Hipster Brewer Guy Uniform Expansion Pack!
Swap out that flannel for an obscure baseball-tee and find a Craft Brewery to either work at or hang around, and you’re set! Don’t know of a local Craft Brewery? Ask next door, go down an alleyway, or look under the stairs, because they’re just popping up everywhere. For those few who can’t find a local brewery, start making your own beer or just start talking about making your own beer! You can’t go wrong!
Next, just in time for Summer, the Yoga Girl Uniform!
Whether you’re at the grocery or just sipping a Macchiato at Starbucks, you’ll always look like you just came from a workout! Designed to be incredibly easy to pull together, the Yoga Girl personality requires very little upkeep. Plus you get the Yoga Pants Effect from men and women everywhere you go! Talk about Hot Yoga!
This Uniform also has a wide range of adaptability! Just add a North Face jacket and a pair of boots that look like they are made form the gutted remains of a Teddy Bear, and you get this:
Dickendustries© Preppy Girl Fall Expansion Pack! This Uniform has longevity and practicality! You can stay warm without giving up the Yoga Pants Effect! Plus it’s only complimented by a Starbucks cup.
“But Dickendustries™!” You exclaim again, “My friends and I aren’t soulless clones! We don’t want to be confused with every other girl on campus, though we do want to be able to share each others’ clothes. Also big brand names are the devil!”
You’re right, big brand names are the devil*! Which is why we offer a secondary Expansion Pack, the One With the Universe Personality:
Switch out those close-fitting Yoga Pants for a flowy Mermaid skirt, wear your grandmother’s jewelry and stop shaving your legs! This Uniform is good all the way through Fall, and when it cools off you can simply add countless second-hand or hand-made sweaters. Tattoos and Piercings are optional, but highly recommended!
Hope you’ve enjoyed your sneak peek at Dickendustries®’ 2015 line of College Uniform Personalities! Remember, individuality is overrated!
*= Unless it’s our brand.